How Long I've Waited
by Magik
Summary: A as-of-yet unfinished P/T story that takes place a short time after "Blood Fever"


Disclaimer: These characters belong to Paramount. They are being used for enterteinment and no money is being made off their use. The song lyrics belong to (in order) Smashing Pumpkins, The Indians, Meatloaf, MatchBox 20, Wallflowers, Jars of Clay, and Tonic. The story belongs to me, Magik, the author. 

#### How Long I've Waited

Part One 

(all words in 's are song lyrics)

I'll be here just waiting for you

I'll be here under your stars forever

Neither here nor there just right beside you.

Thomas Eugene Paris stared at the locked doors in front of him. Well, he thought, this is going to be harder than I originally thought. She's locked herself inside her quarters--again--and I doubt that I'll ever be able to persuade her to come out.

He raised his fist up to knock on the door then quickly brought it down again. After all if she didn't respond to about a hundred `beeps' what made him think she'd open to door to a series of knocks. With a sigh he sat down on the ground, his head resting against the cool metal of her closed door.

Nothing to that woman but ice, he mind dizzily repeated the words he had heard from a fellow crew member. The anger that had filled his being then surged through him again. He knew there was more to her. He knew...but how did he really know?

Stop it, Tom, he told himself. You're just making things worse. Yes, there's a lot you need to talk to B'Elanna about but maybe this soon after the incident isn't wise. Maybe just let her have a little time to think things over. To evaluate what happened.

Yeah, and in the end she'll end up hating herself for what almost happened because everyone knows the half-Klingon, Chief Engineer of the Starship Voyager could never want the womanizing Tom Paris, a little voice in his mind hissed. See how she pushes you away after nearly attacking you during that ridiculous Pon Farr incident. Don't kid yourself, Tommy Boy, but all your affections are wasted on her. She's too good for you, Tommy. Way too good.

"Leave me alone!" Tom roared at the little voice as he stood up and slammed his fist into the door. He instantly regretted the action as pain enveloped his whole hand. Oh, God, but it stung.

"What do you want?!" came B'Elanna's angry voice from inside the locked room. 

"B'Elanna, it's me. We need to talk," Tom shouted, biting the anger and pain out of his voice.

"I told you to leave me alone! I just need some time to think! Just some time to think, Tom, that's all," she yelled back.

"Da...," he started to cruse and stopped himself. That wouldn't help her. It wouldn't help one little bit. "You've thought enough. Now it's time we talked."

He heard a small growl and the next thing he knew, the door slid open. B'Elanna stood there, her eyes slightly puffy and red, her hair tousled, and her teeth barred. "What, Tom?" she snarled.

"It's easy to see you've been beating yourself up over this whole Pon Farr incident. It was just some ridiculous..."

"I hate you!" she screamed and the door slammed shut.

Tom Paris was left with his mouth hanging open and his blue eyes shocked. With a sigh he turned and walked away.

Part Two

Some people can't speak their minds freely

Some people walk the streets at night alone

It's so easy to make an empty heart your home.

B'Elanna Torres, Chief Engineer of the Starship Enterprise, slid the door to her quarters closed leaving an unsuspecting Tom Paris standing cluelessly in the hall. Wiping another tear out of her brown eyes, she slammed her fist into the wall. She vaguely heard a crack and didn't care if it was the wall or her fist. Given the thickness of the walls it was probably her fist.

"Ridiculous...," she muttered. "Ridiculous." Tears fell from her eyes as she repeated the word. "I knew he was nothing but trouble. I knew it would be best to avoid everything that had to do with that cocky helmboy, Tom Paris. Nothing but trouble." 

She fell onto her bed, burying her head into the soft, fluffy pillow, letting it soak up her tears. She couldn't remember the last time she'd cried like this. Actually it would have to have been when her father left.

Told you to forget all about that pig, a hateful voice whispered in her ear. Told you he was trouble. All men are. All of them.

Shut up, Momma. Just shut up, B'Elanna thought to the heavily accented voice of her mother's.

Never. You've been a bad little girl, B'Elanna. You chased your father away and now you've chased away that little pretty boy, too. Although that's probably for the best because he was just after you for the thrill of the chase. That's all human men want in Klingon women.

The rasp of her mother's voice took B'Elanna back to her unhappy childhood. To sitting at the table, poking at the latest Klingon dish her mother had made with a fork and silently weeping inside for her lost father.

"He's gone, B'Elanna," her mother said in a calm, practiced voice as the six year old girl rushed to the window at the slightest sound.

"But Momma why would he go?" the child asked turning to her mother.

Her mother sighed deeply and brushed the red curls off her face. "He was a human. Human men do not know the meaning of commitment. They see Klingon women as conquests and when they're tired of their conquest they just leave."

"What about the Mating Oath? Don't they have to honor that?" the girl asked raising her brown eyes to her mothers.

"No, B'Elanna. Human men honor nothing. Stay away from them. They will only bring you pain."

"Why did Daddy leave?"

"He was unhappy with his Klingon family," her mother answered wearily.

"Was he unhappy with you?"

"Very."

"Was...was he unhappy with me?

"Probably." 

B'Elanna remembered the feeling of that word as it fell from her mother's lips. Probably. Unhappy with his Klingon family. Unhappy even with his daughter. His Little Bee. Probably.

With a sob she clutched the pillow tighter. There was no possible way she would let Tom Paris close to her. No way.

And why won't you, her mother's voice echoed.

"Because human men have no honor," B'Elanna sobbed out and she could feel the smile on her mother's face.

Good, you have finally learned then. B'Elanna, have you learned that what your mother tells you is right?

"Yes, Momma. I have....He called my affections for him ridiculous."

The pain goes away, little one. And with the fleeing of the pain comes strength. Don't worry you will be whole again. Love is more pain than it's worth. Much more.

And for probably the first time in her life, B'Elanna was consoled by the words her mother had uttered to her. For once they didn't attack her. They seemed truthful. With a sigh she accepted them and settled into a restless sleep where Tom Paris was all around, chasing her for the thrill of the chase.

Part Three

And there used to be such an easy way of living

And there used to be every hope in the world

And I used to get everything that I went after

But there never used to be this girl

But there never used to be this girl.

Tom Paris sat in the back table in the mess hall, gazing out the window into the starry sky. He watched the stars fly by and wished he could reach up and catch one...so he could give it to B'Elanna. A star for someone who glows like one, he thought. Nah. That sounded way cheesy.

With a sigh he rested his head on his hand, burying his fingers in the thick blond hair. He let his clear blue eyes focus on nothing. They stared into the vastness of space. Space. The one thing that was probably as empty as he felt right now.

"I hate you!" 

Her angry words assaulted him again and he groaned. What did I do wrong? he thought. What could I have done wrong? She's like no one I've ever meant before. How can I show her what I feel about her when she pushes me away? Why is this so hard? I've never done anything as hard as this before. Somehow B'Elanna has this power over me that no other women has...this isn't a crush. It's so much more. And it's so hard to make any sense of. 

He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn't notice when his best friend Ensign Harry Kim walked up behind him.

"Tom?" the young man asked, sitting down across from him at the table.

"Hmmm? Oh, hi Harry," Tom responded vacantly.

Harry frowned in concentration. His best friend usually didn't act like this unless he was thinking about a certain someone....Then Harry remembered Tom's offhand mention of trying to talk B'Elanna out of her quarters during breakfast. Judging by the look on his face he hadn't been successful.

"So, Tom, how'd things go with B'Elanna?" the young man asked. He turned his black eyes to the face of his friend and away from whatever it was Neelix was serving for lunch.

"Awful."

"Care to elaborate?" Harry asked, taking a bite of the cold blue mush. He was surprised to find that it didn't taste half bad...kinda like macaroni and cheese.

"Not really..." Tom stated then got a good look at Harry's expression. Either the food was really bad or Harry was very hurt by Tom's standoffish manner. "When I finally got her to open the door and I started explaining how ridiculous it was for her to be beating herself up over that stupid Pon Farr thing...she...well she told me she hated me and slammed the door in my face. I just don't know what I did wrong, Harry?"

Harry put the fork down and stared at his friend for a long moment. Certainly Tom couldn't be dense enough not to notice what had upset her or at least what seemed to upset her. Rather than make Tom look like a fool he simply asked, "What did you say first?"

"I told her it was easy for everyone to see that she was beating herself up over the Pon Farr incident and then I started to say that it was just some ridiculous little thing. But right after I said ridiculous she told me hated me and slammed the door closed," Tom admitted his face radiating pain.

"Now think about the last thing you said to her," Harry prodded.

Understanding suddenly washed over Tom like a warm wave. "Oh God, Harry, she couldn't have thought that I meant it was ridiculous that she was interested in me. She wouldn't think that I...that I thought that was ridiculous. She couldn't have...." he trailed off, pain building up in his eyes.

Harry kept quiet but laid a hand on his friend's shoulder. 

"Of course that's what she thought," Tom moaned. "She thinks I have absolutely no interest in her at all. She must think I was just playing along...trying to take advantage of her or something like that. Oh God, Harry, what can I do? After all the things her mother told her about human men...she'll never speak to me again!" Tom's voice had risen and Harry could see the calm mask he usually kept so tight on his emotions fall away. Tom Paris was on the verge of crying.

"I never wanted to hurt her, Harry. Never."

"I know that, Tom. Now you just have to convince her of that." 

Part Four

I'm sorry `bout the attitude

I need to give when I'm with you

But no one else would take this from me

And I'm so

Terrified of no one else but me

I'm here all the time

I won't go away.

Well, I'm surprised that you'd believe

In anything that comes from me.

B'Elanna sat at her desk staring vacantly at the data padds in front of her and going over her various conversations with Tom Paris. There was so much they had said to each other, so much she had told him that she would never utter to another soul in a million years. And now she felt like he had betrayed her. That he had ripped her heart out. But he had always come across as if he cared...

Lies. All lies. That was what Tom was best at though. Fancy, believable lies and pretty, pretty words that stung when the truth behind them was uncovered were his specialty.

I don't want to go back out there. I don't want to take the risk of running into him. I can't deal with coming face to face with Tom Paris. Not today. No tomorrow. Not ever, B'Elanna thought as she stared blankly at the padds. Not ever.

But you have to go, a little voice whined. You have to do your job. The ship would be lost without you. How many times has the Chief Engineer got this ship out of a rut? How many times has she saved the day?

And how many times has she nearly been killed, huh? How many times had she found comfort in Tom Paris' pretty words and empty promises? she snapped back at the voice.

Yes, but how may times has she grown stronger because of his influence? How many times has the thought of him pushed her forward? the voice questioned.

Too many, B'Elanna admitted.

He's been a good friend.

"He lied to me!" she screamed aloud. 

How did he lie? After you fought Vorik he held you, didn't he? He promised that you would be safe, that you would be alright. Don't tell me that you've forgotten how safe you felt in his arms, how right it was, how perfect, the little voice challenged.

"He was just helping me like he would any other crewmate. He wanted to lead me on and take advantage of me."

No, he didn't. You gave him the chance to and what did he do? Do you remember what he did?

"He pushed me away and told me he hoped that one day I would tell him I wanted him and mean it."

Did you mean it, then?

"I don't know...." B'Elanna choked out.

Well then find him. Talk to him. This is highly important, the voice chided on.

B'Elanna found herself standing up, brushing the dirt off her rumpled uniform and running a comb through her hair. Then with a deep breath she exited her quarters and walked to the turbolift.

"Hello, B'Elanna," Tom said as she neared the `lift. At first it appeared that he was getting off but as she neared he stayed on. "I was just coming to talk to you about what happened earlier."

"Maybe we should just forget that whole Pon Farr thing. It was silly and I was being affected by it. I didn't mean anything I said. And I don't expect you to have, either," she said quietly as she stepped into the lift. "Deck eleven," she told the computer.

"What do you mean, `I don't expect you to, either'?" he questioned angrily. He turned to her, his blue eyes fiery. She looked at him calmly.

"I don't want you to think I don't appreciate everything you did for me but...I also understand how hard it must have been to offer to `help' me at the end. Um...before I fought with Vorik."

A look of pure anger flashed through his face. B'Elanna watched the mask fall and shatter. "Computer halt lift!" he ordered then turned to face her. "What do you mean by that?"

"It's oh so obvious that you want to forget the fact that you offered..." she started but couldn't get the words out.

"Forget? Why would I want to forget?"

"Because...because you said the whole thing was ridiculous. Ridiculous that I should have wanted that with you and ridiculous that I ever thought that maybe you wanted it, too!" she screamed at him. A few tears dripped down her cheek and she quickly brushed them away.

He looked at her for a long time. Just staring at the bags under her eyes, at the tears she wiped off her cheeks. Then Tom drew in a breath and said, "I didn't mean that at all, B'Elanna. I'm sorry you thought that was what I meant....Computer resume lift."

"Tom...," she started. "Tom...look at me." He turned toward her. "I'm sorry I yelled at you like that. But when you said those things...I thought you..." she trailed off realizing that there were no words to make him smile.

"I'm sorry that you couldn't believe me, B'Elanna. I meant every word I said. Every word!" he insisted and then walked out of the lift as the doors swooshed open.

"Tom...I meant what I said, too," she whispered as the doors closed.

Part Five

Say when you're alone

It's better `cause nobody knows you

When no one's your friend

It's better `cause nobody leaves you

So you turned your back

On a world that you could never have

`Cause your heart's been broken

And everyone else's is goin' mad.

Stupid, stupid, Tom Paris thought as he walked calmly away from the lift. Make her feel awful. Pretend that none of it was your fault. It was your slip of the tongue that upset her. Your poorly thought out words and instead of telling her that you turn it all back on her. You hurt her!

At that realization he turned around, wanting to run back to the turbolift and beg B'Elanna to forgive him. The turbolift was already gone, as he knew it would be. With a sigh he decided to just let it go.

Of course, Tommy Boy. That's what you always do. I'll put it off `till later. Until I know the right words to tell her. Until I can tell her, he hissed at himself.

But I've never known anyone like her. I've never felt anything like this before. I want to tell her but I can't find the words. They get caught in my throat and I end up throwing a jab at her instead of telling her how I really feel about her.

But what do you feel about her? the voice asked.

I don't know, Tom answered the voice. I just don't know. It's not like I haven't had lovers before. There've been plenty but...she makes me feel so different. Could this be something great? Could we be a couple? Could it be love?

Could it?

"I don't know," Tom muttered aloud. "I don't know what love is. I thought I did. I thought I'd finally figured it out but I never knew anything until I met B'Elanna. Everything I thought was right when it came to relationships has been destroyed and she's teaching me things I never thought I could learn.

"Tom?" He turned around to find Kes looking worriedly at him.

"Hi Kes," he said drearily.

"What's wrong, Tom?" she asked as she brushed a stray lock of blond hair behind her pointed ear.

"I had a fight with B'Elanna," he admitted. "A pretty bad one."

"What happened?"

"Well I...I'd rather not talk about it, Kes. It was all my fault. I was going to tell her that but then she started saying things and I got mad. The things she was saying were logical but I didn't want to have anything to do with them. And...and I blew up at her. I hurt her again when what I had come for was to apologize in the first place," he droned on. Telling Kes what he didn't mean to. Explaining about the fight earlier and then the fight in the turbolift.

"Why didn't you simply tell her what you've been telling me?" Kes asked.

"Because when I'm with her, when I'm anywhere near her, I get scared. I can't get the words out to tell her how I feel. I can't apologize. Seems like the only thing I can say around her are jokes. All I do is hurt her."

"What are you afraid of, Tom?" Kes prodded looking into his blue eyes. She wasn't surprised to find that he was a million miles away, dreaming.

"I'm not afraid of anything," he insisted.

"You just said that when you're near her you get scared."

"I'm afraid I'll get too close and hurt her," he lied pitifully.

Kes could feel the tormented and confused emotions radiating off him. "Don't lie to me, Tom Paris. You're just as afraid of getting hurt as you are of hurting her."

"How do you do that?" he questioned with a startled look.

"I'm a telepath, Tom. Think about it," she smiled. "I know you've been in difficult relationships. I know you've been hurt but is it worth closing down your heart, is it worth losing someone you care about, just so you don't run the risk of another heartbreak?" He stayed eerily quiet. "Let me rephrase that. Is it worth losing B'Elanna just to save yourself from hurting?"

"No. Never," he whispered and there was so much sincerity in his voice that it surprised even her.

"Then I suggest you tell her how you feel, Tom. Or at least fix your friendship. I'd hate to see two of my friends hurt. I'd hate to see you lose probably the best thing you've found in your life, Tom. I couldn't stand to see that," Kes told him and stepped into her quarters.

Tom stood in the hall for a long moment then turned back down the hall and entered the turbolift. "Deck eleven," he told the computer.

Part Six

You're logical

You can't find

Any reason to believe in love

You are blind.

B'Elanna leaned against the back of the turbolift and wiped a single tear out of her eye. What was I thinking?, she asked herself. She should have known better. Better than to say a word to him.

Yes, she loved him...or thought she did. And in that was the problem. Love. It was a pretty word and one she had almost never used. She wasn't even sure of it at all. What was love, anyhow?

Love...

B'Elanna pondered the meaning of that one word. She rolled it around in her head trying to break it down to its core substances and figure out what it was all about. Hell, she didn't have a clue. 

Never in her life had someone told her they loved her. Well, her father had but that was so long ago. Back when she was a child and words were easy to define. Then love meant happiness. It meant the joy of being a family. To children everything has a simple meaning but adults have to slowly relearn what's behind every word and B'Elanna had never relearned the meaning of love.

She hadn't wanted to. Not at all. She had been hurt too much when her father left her and because of that she had stayed as emotional unattached to everyone and everything as possible. Easy enough to do when you have the temper of a Klingon. She had never guessed that anyone would try to look beyond her rough exterior. The thought had never occurred to her that someone would want to see what there really was inside of her. But then Tom Paris was always surprising her.

Tom Paris. The thought of his very name caused a fresh tear to fall from her eye. He was like some golden haired angel. A fallen angel but an angel neverless. And she...well she was a dark little demon who scurried around. She was the angel's key to salvation. Save her and he could save himself.

B'Elanna closed her eyes. Smoke filled images washed over her brain. Memories from a long time ago when she had been sixteen or seventeen. One guy in her high school told her she was pretty and asked her to go out with him. That was beyond her comprehension and she had said yes right away. After a while she thought he loved her. She thought she loved him.

But that had never been the case. In the end he told her that his friends had dared him. If not for the money they offered him he never would have gotten near her. According to him she was a little ice queen. Someone not even worth the effort because she was temperamental and ugly. He had laughed. Laughed at her in that smoked filled room of his while tears ran down her face. He had laughed even harder when he saw the tears saying that it was a miracle to get the ice queen to cry. B'Elanna felt her fists clench and before she knew what had happened a steady stream of blood was flowing from his nose.

The boy had looked up at her from the floor for a long time. Studying her as he called her one foul name after the other. And all the while B'Elanna just took it in. She deserved it after all. She had fallen in love without a moment's hesitation and she deserved this. She had to learn that love was not a game and it wasn't fun. He helped her learn how much she should close up her emotions.

B'Elanna opened her eyes and took in a deep breath. The boy had been right about her all along. It was better for everyone if she didn't become emotional attached because in the end everyone she loved was hurt. Brushing one last tear from her eye, B'Elanna strode out of the turbolift head held high. Love meant nothing. It was an empty little word and she banished it to the farthest, darkest corner of her mind. Maybe now she could be happy.

Part Seven

She will always do as she pleases

It's her nature to be free 

Tom got off the turbolift and stood in the hall for a second thinking about how he should proceed. If he just rushed in there and caused a scene in front of B'Elanna's Engineering staff if wouldn't matter what he said, he'd be dead before the words got the chance to affect her. But this couldn't wait until she was off-duty...

After a moment's hesitation he touched his comm badge. "Paris to Torres."

"Torres to Paris. What Lt?" her heard her say and her voice was tight and biting.

"I have a problem with the..." he trailed off. Oh God, he thought, what am I going to say now.

"With what, Lt?"

"Nothing. It started working again. False alarm. Sorry," he exclaimed a lump rising up in his throat and a few tears stinging his eyes.

"Next time make sure whatever stops working really has stopped working," B'Elanna told him and he could hear the faint laughter of her crew in the background.

Great, I just embarrassed myself in front of her and her crew. Great. "Um...Paris out."

"Torres out," she replied and he heard the comm channel click off.

"Damn," he muttered. What had he just done. The opportunity had been right in front of him and he had just blown it! He gave a low growl of self disgust and brushed a hand quickly through his blond hair. 

"Torres to Paris," his comm badge chirped.

"Paris here. What's wrong, Lt?" Tom questioned hope filling his heart.

"What exactly broke down? Was it a replicator?"

A chance out. Yes! "Yeah. It just..."

"Stopped working," she finished. "They've been doing that lately. I want to check this one out. Where are you?"

God, oh God! "The turbolift. I was coming down to tell you about the replicator."

"I'll meet you in front of Engineering and you can show me which replicator just stopped working."

"O...Okay," he stuttered.

"Torres out." With that the comm channel clicked out again and he raced back into the turbolift.

"Destination?" the computer inquired.

"Shhh. Just wait here for a few minutes."

"Please repeat destination."

"Deck eleven," Tom hissed.

"We are currently on Deck eleven. Please state destination."

"Open doors."

"Acknowledged," the computer beeped and the doors opened.

Tom saw B'Elanna standing at the doors to Engineering, PADD in hand and completely oblivious to the world. He walked over to her. "Lt. Paris here."

"Oh, you're here. Now where is this faulty replicator?" she asked never raising her eyes from the PADD.

"It's down this way," he reported as he gently touched her arm to steer her to the left.

"I can walk on my own," B'Elanna snapped as she pulled her arm away and brushed a lock of dark brown hair away from her face.

As they walked she continued to work at something on the PADD. "So you've been having problems with a lot of the replicators recently?"

"No."

"Then..."

"I knew you'd want to talk to me. I just needed a reason to get out of Engineering without the crew suspecting anything," she admitted her brown eyes finally prying themselves free of the PADD screen.

"I'm sorry about what I said earlier in the turbolift."

"Tom...don't bother. I overreacted with the whole thing anyway. No hard feelings here."

"I was hoping you'd say that. Still it was all my fault. I think we should just forget it all together," he suggested.

She looked at him for a minute, her hair framing her face and her brown eyes deep. So deep that once he fell into their depths there would be no way he could find his way out. "Yes, I think forgetting it would be a good idea."

"I'm glad you think so, B'Elanna. There's something I need to talk to you about..."

B'Elanna's comm badge beeped. "Torres here."

"There's a problem in Engineering."

"Be right there. Torres out." With that she turned to him. "Goodbye Tom," she whispered, gave him a small kiss on the cheek and then left.

Tom stood there confused. When she'd said goodbye it had seemed way too final. There was something wrong here and it would take time to find out what it was.

[Back][1]

* * *

This page hosted by [][2] Get your own [Free Home Page ][3]

   [1]: http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Nebula/6883/fanfic1.html
   [2]: /
   [3]: href



End file.
